A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

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thunderhawk
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A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by thunderhawk » Thu Feb 23, 2017 2:03 am

WARNING FOR ALL MALES

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
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leifege640
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by leifege640 » Thu Feb 23, 2017 3:55 am

I feel sorry for you man, but even I can't stop laughing about it. :lol:

Btw, I think I might have last seen you testicles on a bus headed to a very far away place... they said they didn't want to go anywhere near that taser again. :wink3:
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thunderhawk
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by thunderhawk » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:08 am

leifege640 wrote:I feel sorry for you man, but even I can't stop laughing about it. :lol:

Btw, I think I might have last seen you testicles on a bus headed to a very far away place... they said they didn't want to go anywhere near that taser again. :wink3:
oh it was not me it was a post from one of my moms friends i have read this 5 times and still crack up reading it thinking about what that cat must have seen during the event
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leifege640
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by leifege640 » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:11 am

Oh oops, I thought this happened to you.

I am pretty certain that cat was thinking "I told you not to do it, stupid" once it was all over.
PC player of FS19, FS17, FS15, and FS13
Don't criticize the farmer with your mouth full.
Computer Specs in spoiler.
Intel i3-6100 3.7GHz CPU
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How to post your log:viewtopic.php?f=827&t=88665

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thunderhawk
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by thunderhawk » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:30 am

leifege640 wrote:Oh oops, I thought this happened to you.

I am pretty certain that cat was thinking "I told you not to do it, stupid" once it was all over.
LOL yeah Oddly enough though I do have a cat named leo
Dell XPS 720 Intel Core 2 Quad Extreme 3.0ghz
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Hoss1
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by Hoss1 » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:44 am

Oh man, I can't stop laughing! I literally have tears rolling down my face as I type this. This is SO something I would've done. Now I don't have to. Thanks for taking one for the team! I can't stop laughing...
Playing on Xbox since FS15

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W1der
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by W1der » Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:57 pm

I also have tears in my eyes after reading this ... :lol:

Thank you for sharing!
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M&M
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by M&M » Thu Feb 23, 2017 1:40 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

This should be made as a presentation film to advise about that devise ,,,
You sure love your wife to have done this for her to have a working gift as such ...

Thanks for that great one my friend ,,, it start my day wonderfuly ...
Cheers !

cr41g_1965
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by cr41g_1965 » Thu Feb 23, 2017 2:07 pm

Best thing I will read all day !!! sorry for your loss...hopefully they are returned soon


Farming Simulator 76

playing RDR2

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mdoss
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by mdoss » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:19 pm

Great story! Thanks for the laugh...

So, the moral to the story is - "should've tested it on the cat first." :mrgreen:

(I'm kidding of course... sort of...)
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thunderhawk
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by thunderhawk » Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:22 pm

mdoss wrote:Great story! Thanks for the laugh...

So, the moral to the story is - "should've tested it on the cat first." :mrgreen:

(I'm kidding of course... sort of...)
LOL I admit I would have thought same thing but could not do it to my cat but my brother thats a differant story LOL
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Preble 818
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by Preble 818 » Thu Feb 23, 2017 5:42 pm

Haha loved this story! Gonna be chuckling about it for a while thanks for sharing :)
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leifege640
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by leifege640 » Thu Feb 23, 2017 6:11 pm

You know here is a safety tip since we are talking high voltage (and not the rock 'n' roll kind :P), if you REALLY want touch that hot wire/electric fence: don't grab the wire with the palm of your hand, touch it with the back of your hand. Touching on the palm side of the hand will make your hand clench and hold the wire for far longer than intended, whereas if you touch the wire the back of the hand, it will be a split second of ZAP and when your hand and arm clench it will pull itself away from the wire.

Just a tip for the curious. ;)
PC player of FS19, FS17, FS15, and FS13
Don't criticize the farmer with your mouth full.
Computer Specs in spoiler.
Intel i3-6100 3.7GHz CPU
Gigabyte Radeon RX 470 w/ 4GB of GDDR5 VRAM
8GB of DDR4 RAM
Windows 10
275GB SSD + 1TB HHD
How to post your log:viewtopic.php?f=827&t=88665

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thunderhawk
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by thunderhawk » Thu Feb 23, 2017 6:31 pm

leifege640 wrote:You know here is a safety tip since we are talking high voltage (and not the rock 'n' roll kind :P), if you REALLY want touch that hot wire/electric fence: don't grab the wire with the palm of your hand, touch it with the back of your hand. Touching on the palm side of the hand will make your hand clench and hold the wire for far longer than intended, whereas if you touch the wire the back of the hand, it will be a split second of ZAP and when your hand and arm clench it will pull itself away from the wire.

Just a tip for the curious. ;)
I know this as I said it was not me I'm 4th gen electrician and spent the first 18yrs of my life on my grandfathers farm I'm not doing that I know better
Dell XPS 720 Intel Core 2 Quad Extreme 3.0ghz
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mdoss
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Re: A little Humor To Change things up A little Enjoy

Post by mdoss » Thu Feb 23, 2017 8:50 pm

Just read the story again. Thanks!!

Ok, a lot of people say LOL and are not really physically 'laughing out loud'...
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure
This sentence got me. I really can say LOL after that line!
FS19 - PC version
FS17 - Xbox One version (occasionally on PC also)
Intel i7 2.8GHz, 16MB Ram, GeForce GTX 1050
Gamertag - "Dossmeister"
"Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

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